Tips for house sitting like a boss.

·         Feeding yourself while house sitting may prove a harrowing endeavor. Especially when your delivery options are bad Thai or bad Chinese. Rise above these obstacles by walking 0.3 miles to the nearest grocery store. Purchase an entire rotisserie chicken and a 6-pack of beer for dinner. Eat the chicken with your bare hands. Nobody will judge you. Nobody.

·         Charm the neighbors by dramatically lip-syncing 80s rock ballads every time you leave the house. Your performance will be most theatrical at dusk, when you can accidentally trigger their motion-sensitive porch lights. Complete your performance with fist pumps, high kicks, and drum solos. Preferred playlist:

Total Eclipse of the Heart	- Bonnie Tyler
Love is a Battlefield	- Pat Benatar
Bohemian Rhapsody	- Queen
Faithfully	- Journey
Desperado	- The Eagles

·         Your friends may start to worry when they haven’t seen you at several group outings. To assuage their fears, take an inordinate amount of pictures. Forward these unsolicited photos as proof of your physical and mental well-being.

·         Maintain a sense of normalcy for the animals in your care by singing exuberantly in the shower. Sing so loudly the dogs feel obliged to chime in. This noise making session reinforces pack solidarity, and definitely won’t alarm the cat.

[Sidenote: I opted to sing Blackstreet’s “No Diggity”, though I only know the lyrics from the riff-off scene in Pitch Perfect.]

·         Should you become lonely while house sitting, shamelessly interact with the movies you watch. By “movies” I mean The Goonies.

Listen. When fictional characters make really terrible life choices they deserve to be berated. That’s just a fact, Mikey. Don’t try to argue with me. I know, I know. “Goonies never say die”, but next time you plan a plunge into a subterranean cavern searching for pirate gold, at least bring a damn flashlight.

·         Sometimes when you let the dogs out at 7am on a Sunday morning, children will see your tits. Embrace this as a valuable learning opportunity. You didn’t scar them for life; you educated them on the importance of sleeping in on the weekend.

·         Never turn your back on the Chihuahua that lives across the street.

·         Personal space ceases to exist after 3am. Don’t panic if you wake up with 100+ pounds of animal on your body. Passive aggressive affection is how pets say "I love you".         

I hope you weirdos had a fantastic and restful weekend.

All my love. 

-b