I See a Bad Moon Rising

In 2010 a friend gifted me the book Sextrology by Starky and Cox. This book lived next to my bed for two years. Every time a new human entered my life, their astrological sign was quickly assessed, the book was consulted, and the course of our relationship predicted accordingly.

Intellectually, I recognize this is probably not a foolproof method. But has it served me well on occasion? Oh yeah, ya betcha. I know humans are complicated, multi-faceted creatures shaped by their environments, experiences, and so on. But astrology is so goddamn fun!

So, for your reading pleasure I’ve put you all into behavioral boxes based on my limited exposure to each of the twelve signs. Enjoy.

Aries

Pros: Independent, Generous, Optimistic

Cons: Self-involved, Impulsive, Moody

These lil’ fellas are the babies of the zodiac. As such, they can be a little impulsive. Of the twelve signs, Aries is the second most prolific tequila-drinker. They enjoy physical activities such as rugby, yoga, and drunkenly wrestling at parties. 85% of Aries will sleep with you, but they will not cuddle afterwards. They’re chronically flaky, but we don’t judge them for that. Aries may invite you to their house, feed you dinner, then leave you on their couch watching movies while they go to a party you weren’t invite to. It’s fine. You’ll probably get over it someday.

Famous Aries Quote: When asked why she never married Gloria Steinem replied, "I don't mate well in captivity."

Taurus

Pros: Dependable, Persistent, Loyal

Cons: Stubborn

Most Taurus hail from New Jersey. Because of this they pronounce certain words strangely. For example, “far-estry” where you study trees, or the color “are-ange”. They’re not proud of this, it just happens. Taurus people enjoy ridiculously large dogs, long distance running, and alternative lifestyle haircuts. They’re easily over-caffeinated, and shouldn’t be allowed to drink Sparks. The Taurus’s natural habitat is a garage, where they enjoy doing physical labor type things. Pissing off a Taurus is about as fun as hugging an enraged moose.

Famous Taurus Quote: "Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever apologize for anything." - Harry S. Truman

Gemini

Pros: Energetic, Imaginative, Witty

Cons: Restless, Indecisive

The self-proclaimed lone wolf, Gemini is determinedly independent. They won’t hesitate to abandon you in Canada should you become too inebriated to stand. They possess superior dance skills, and have been known to Charleston with the best of them. Gemini folk can talk circles around mere mortals. They pride themselves on snappy one-liners, quoting entire movies, and knowing Ludacris’ rap portion in Justin Bieber’s hit song Baby. They typically subsist on an all-cheese diet.

Famous Gemini Quote: "Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth." - John F. Kennedy

Cancer

Pros: Caring, Responsive, Dependable

Cons: Clingy, Oversensitive

When you are sad, a Cancer will give you their bear lighter if you promise not to lose it. Then when it becomes lost they will blame you for years. Once it surfaces again, they’ll feel chagrined, but only mildly so. They’ll buy you your own bear lighter as an apology. Cancer folk have a lot of feelings and spend the majority of their energy masking this fact. As such, they are hilarious conversational partners and pun masters of the universe. When called upon to perform, most Cancers can drink a PBR in less than 3.5 seconds. Hobbies include being topless, watching lesbian television, and operating heavy machinery.

Famous Cancer Quote: "I love people. I love my family, my children . . . but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up." - Pearl S. Buck

Leo

Pros: Confident, Ambitious, Encouraging

Cons: Stubborn, Vain

Gregarious Leo deftly makes their conversational partner feel like the center of the universe. Only less dense. They enjoy physical activity and demonstrative feats of strength. Leos born without a majestic mane of curls are culled like deformed Spartans. These noble critters pride themselves on moderation and self-control, but when they decide to cut loose shit gets real. Walk your Leo 2-5 times per day for optimal performance.

Famous Leo Quote: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - George Bernard Shaw

Virgo

Pros: Observant, Reliable, Precise
Cons: Skeptical, Inflexible, Fussy

The Virgo is a mythical creature akin to the unicorn. They feature prominently in Germanic folklore, where they excel at woodsman sports. If you capture a wild Virgo, it will grant you three wishes in exchange for your firstborn child. Virgo women are capable of licking their own elbows.

Famous Virgo Quote: "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." - Johann von Goeth

Libra

Pros: Diplomatic, Idealistic, Hospitable

Cons: Indecisive, Unreliable

Never predict a Libra’s next move; they will go out of their way to prove you wrong. Hobbies include last-minute RSVPing, and honing their already exceptional card skills. Fiercely competitive, Libra knows how to make you feel like you’ve lost a game. Even if you won. Libras possess freakish upper-body strength, but won’t use it until provoked. Behind the mask of cool reserve, Librans are inherently nurturing. They will feed you and let you sleep in their bed when you are too drunk to get home.

Famous Libra Quote:  “Do you really have to be the ice queen intellectual or the slut whore? Isn’t there some way to be both?” - Susan Sarandon

Scorpio

Pros: Loyal, Passionate, Resourceful
Cons: Jealous, Suspicious

Sagittarius

Pros: Enthusiastic, Spontaneous, Inspirational

Cons: Irresponsible, Restless

The word Sagittarius also serves as an antonym for moderation. If a Sagittarius wrote an autobiography, it would likely be titled “Sitting in my 8am Poetry Class the Morning after I Accidentally Smoked Crack at that one Party: A Sagittarius Manifesto”. They are the last people to leave social events, typically calling for one more round as they stumble out the door. Sagittarians fall madly in love with everyone they meet. They are enthusiastic, and frequently overcommit. All Labrador Retrievers are Sagittarians.

Famous Sagittarius Quote: "Why not seize the pleasure at once?"- Jane Austen

Capricorn

Pros: Ambitious, Tenacious, Constant

Cons: Dictatorial, Inhibited

Sweet baby angels! Capricorns win the zodiac. These list-making, itinerary-shaping folk are endearingly tenacious. Their skillset includes making travel arrangements, creating Facebook Event pages, and going to bed at a reasonable hour. They typically surround themselves with a few close friends, whom they protect like Ford tough mama bears. If you forget to wear your coat on a rainy day, Capricorn will loan you theirs. After stern chastisement. Capricorns like to offer unsolicited life advice. That’s ok, just let it happen. It’s usually good advice and you should really stop ignoring it.

Famous Capricorn Quote: "I saw the errors I had made and assumed full responsibility for everything." - Henry Mille

Aquarius

Pros: Outgoing, Independent, Eccentric

Cons: Aloof, Sarcastic

Aquarians love macaroni and cheese. They typically possess very shapely calves, and can seduce you with a flash of their perfectly proportioned ankles. Aquarians born after 1984 can quote entire seasons of Friends, and expect the same of their closest companions. Eccentric Aquarius enjoys New Age activities such as divination, energy healing, and opening their chakras.

Famous Aquarius Quote: "Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something.” - Thomas Alva Edison

Pisces

Pros: Compassionate, Devoted, Intuitive

Cons: Oversensitive, Impressionable

Pisces are skillful pastry chefs, and can infuse alcohol into any sort of cake. Their hugs are capable of triggering euphoric endorphin release. Pisces are tender humans, though they prefer to hide their emotions behind sarcasm and disillusionment. Hurting a Pisces’ feelings is like drop-kicking a kitten. It’ll haunt you for the rest of your life. Their thoughtful acts of friendship are generally performed anonymously. Pisces won’t judge you for being the biggest shitshow in the room. Or they will, but lovingly.

Famous Pisces Quote: "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” - Albert Einstein

I adore you, beasties.

-b