Let's talk about sex, baby.

Sometimes you find yourself sitting in a dark theater with your friends and several hundred strangers watching amateur porn. This is your adult life. Don’t ask questions.

What I mean to say is HUMP! passed through Portland last weekend. In case you aren’t familiar, HUMP! is an annual film festival aired in Portland and Seattle. The festival, which first kicked off in 2005, features submissions by amateur porn actors, directors, and producers. They’re allowed up to five minutes to showcase their talents and audience members vote for their favorites. With a $5,000 cash prize on the line, these movies aren’t fucking around. I mean, technically they are.

I heard about HUMP! several weeks ago through the co-dependent Facebook group chat my friends and I have maintained since January. Listen, sometimes winter is long and you’re all sad vegans and constant communication is the only logical coping mechanism. The group chat also enables lightning speed communication should you need to discuss recent political rulings, socially-relevant Buzzfeed articles, or the existence of this raft:

  

The group chat also helped us develop Pusheen emoji-utilization skillz and coordinate outings, ala HUMP! Having survived a handful of group porn nights in college, I felt pretty confident in My Ability To Handle this event. Nothing could possibly be as daunting as pizza night with Grannies, Fatties, Pregnant Bitches (And a Midget to Boot) running on a loop in the background. Just in case, I pre-gamed with my pal Jose to fortify my courage. When the lights dimmed I was loose around the edges and ready for anything. Well, almost anything.

The three rules of HUMP! per Dan Savage:
               1) No cell phones

               2) Don’t be an asshole (they belong on screen, not in the audience).

               3) Have fun! Because sex!

This particular viewing was the “Best Of” tour, meaning we privileged few witnessed the most popular films from years prior. The featured films included Pie Sluts, Fun with Fire, and D&D Orgy. But the breakaway hit was a little doozy called Mythical Proportions. Imagine pornographic claymation centaurs and improv fetishist interviews. Solid gold. HUMP! also destroyed my childhood memories of E.T. with the animated sequel, Dark Territory. Turns out E.T. and Elliot grew up to be more than friends.

I don’t really know where to go from here. What I do know is I laughed, blushed, and winced through 90 minutes of incredible material. I’ve entered post-HUMP! life with the knowledge that bodies are strange and people are stranger. Sex is a funny thing that can be done about a billion different ways; you’re only limited by your own creativity. Unless you’re a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Then you’re limited by your arm span. Womp womp.

Above all remember: safety first! And don’t ingest motor oil! It might seem like a sexy lubricant, but probably it’s dangerous.

Sex on, kittens.

-b