Homo Hideaway
Room type: Entire home/apt
Accommodates: 16+
Bedrooms: 5
Bathrooms: 3
Beds: 14
This gorgeous home was perfectly suited for the 2014 Tranquil
Women’s Overnight Crafting and Prayer Retreat. Nestled in a charming gated
community, we rested easily knowing our activities wouldn’t unnecessarily
pester the neighbors. The guaranteed privacy also facilitated an unanticipated
amount of daytime nudity. The winding mountainous drive past the lake was
breathtaking. Granted, we enjoyed the vertiginous scenic overlook much more
before the debilitating two-day hangovers.
The two-story, 5 bedroom “cabin” comfortably slept the six
of us. The heart-warming sayings and Jesus-chic décor reinforced our already
strong sense of integrity. We appreciated but didn’t utilize the multiple bunk
beds, upstairs living room, and creepy gender-specific playrooms. Unfortunately
our stay was too short to peruse the extensive library of self-help and religious
lifestyle books! However, we were able to huddle around the scrapbook and read
aloud the Hideaway story. We noticed that somebody-definitely-not-us spilled red liquid in the binding. Grape juice, perhaps? Children are so careless! We thoughtfully
tucked it into the bottom of the blanket hamper upon departure. We wouldn’t
want it to sustain any more damage.
While we appreciated the house’s rules, the absence of a
corkscrew made it very difficult to break the No Alcohol policy. Not to fret!
We’re an incredibly resourceful bunch. Through sheer determination and
teamwork, we successfully opened 2 bottles of wine before reinforcements
arrived. The spacious kitchen was perfect for family-style breakfast as well as
shoveling molten hot pizza into our drunk little faces.
The sports equipment in the garage allowed us to participate
in all manner of non-homosexual physical activities. Between football, soccer,
and basketball we were occupied for longer than anyone anticipated. We also tested
the limits of how many balls a human can juggle while holding a mimosa. The
property’s rolling green hills were perfect for rolling down, though we might
suggest the owners install a safety net at the bottom? Nudity, high velocity
rolling, and thorny underbrush made an unpleasant combination.
Our group was also visited by some charming wildlife!
Vladimir the toad forever etched his small, slimy self into our hearts and souls.
The real star of the weekend was the hot tub (or the Tepid
Tub as we affectionately nicknamed it). The first day we couldn’t figure out the
broken heating mechanism. But once we put our thinking caps on/removed several
of the clogged filters, the tub reached a comfortable 104 degrees. The hours of
naked soaking really cultivated a sense of group camaraderie. We were able to
participate in cooperative activities such as hand-feeding each other, and
exuberantly singing our unofficial anthem, Fancy. The hardest part of the whole
trip was leaving the hot tub. Literally, exiting the hot tub after hours of drinking
was a feat! Luckily I had my elbows, shins, and face to catch my fall.
[Sidenote: the mucky
human sludge that resulted from forgetting to reinstall the clogged filters overnight
made avoiding the hot tub Sunday morning much easier.]
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Spiffy’s restaurant.
Their charming buffet included a salad bar, breakfast bar, and a dessert table.
The congealed gravy and weirdly sticky sausage paired well with ranch dressing
and lemon bars. Several cups of lukewarm coffee ensured our stomachs stayed in
a moderately distressed state for hours after the fact.
Overall, Homo Hideaway was an enriching experience in
sisterly solidarity and bonding. We left that gated community with our hearts
full of love and our cars full of empty bottles, cans, and wine boxes. Our
livers and that house may have suffered irreparable damage, but the blurry
half-memories will warm our hearts longer than a tepid tub.
Angels on your body.
-b (+
the Tranquil Women’s Crafting and Prayer Circle)
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