Goo Goo G'Joob

The walrus does not live in the Pacific Northwest. In fact they prefer a much colder climate. For example, Siberia. Neither are they responsible for leptospirosis (a disease that scientists probably know a lot about, but I don’t. I’m not a scientist.). Walruses are, however, responsible for 90% of Barry Manilow albums purchased from 1995 to present day.

If you leave a walrus alone in your house, it will leave tusk marks in your cheese. If you leave a walrus alone with your roommate, it won’t leave tusk marks in her but the two of them will drink all of your beer and text you at work to bring home tacos. A walrus’s favorite beer is a good, dark stout. Something vaguely chocolate-y without being overwhelmingly sweet. Walruses, male and female alike, think this makes them more manly. Walruses are horrendous misogynists but in an ignorant rather than intentional way.

(It occurs to me that were I to write an actual report on walruses, things would be so easy because wikipedia. Remember when books were a thing, and you checked out books, and magazines, and like 10 National Geographic encyclopedias at the school library, and there would be maybe one sentence about walruses in each of them that you found after reading for hours? Kids these days don’t even know. 

“But b,” you might say, “If knowledge is so accessible, why do you need to make up all of these ridiculous facts?” Because they’re more fun, obviously. Try to keep up.)

Though I’ve never personally spoken with a walrus, I imagine they’d be poor conversationalists. They strike me as the sort to frequently interrupt your stories with side notes about themselves that are only obliquely related to the topic you were discussing in the first place. They also seem like they’d elaborate to a ridiculous and completely unnecessary extent. Here’s how I imagine conversing with a walrus:

Me: “So I was walking to the store the other day for some groceries and…”

Walrus: “Walking, ah yes! That’s almost nothing like the flopping sort of forward flailing my flippers are capable of on-land. Swimming, though. Goddamn if I’m not the fastest marine mammal alive! Why I was telling my wife and sister-in-law just the other day, keep in mind this was right after I had returned from the coast of France after a long holiday following an unfortunate mental breakdown at the ol’ 9-5...”

And so on.

Please note, the walrus is by no means the fastest marine mammal alive. While a swimming walrus can hit 22 MPH (impressive compared to a human’s 4.5), it’s athleticism doesn’t even approach a dolphin’s 40 MPH. Fact. And besides, weren’t we talking about my trip to the grocery store, not the biomechanical capabilities of our self-absorbed mammalian pal?

Many upper middle class walruses will purchase knockoff brands and loudly tout them as superior to high-end products. Not because they believe these generic products are actually superior, or even because they support the capitalist notion of a mass-producing, earth-mangling, socially-oppressive, multi-national corporation succeeding over artisan specialty crafters. The sordid truth: most upper middle class walruses harbor a fierce resentment of slightly-more-upper middle class walruses (said resentment being vaster than their rather sizable girth).  

Walruses frequently misuse large vocabulary words. Most walruses believe “pontificate” is how pine trees reproduce. If you have a walrus friend, they’re probably that friend you see once or twice a year. And when they say something like, “We really should try to see each other more often!” you reply by avoiding eye contact and mumbling vaguely under your breath until they return to talking about their holiday in France.

And this has been my report on writer’s block, I mean walruses. I hope you enjoyed all of these 100%, absolutely true facts.

xoxo

-b