A Brief & Incomplete List: #5

Things I consider exercise that probably aren’t exercise:

1. Sitting on a yoga mat in any capacity for any amount of time. Somehow this includes napping in my backyard.
2. Walking up and down my stairs seven times before leaving the house. Because I forgot my water bottle. And my phone. Wallet? Probably upstairs. Oh wait, no. It’s in my jacket pocket. What about the keys… definitely upstairs…. Or definitely not upstairs. Obviously they’re on the bathroom windowsill. Where did this stain come from? When did I even eat mustard last? Dammit, shirt. How dare you pretend to be clean when I was getting dressed!
3. That thing where I’m really thirsty, but also lying flat on my back in bed, so I just kind of contract my abs enough to pick my head off the pillow while tilting my water bottle towards my face hole and hoping for the best.
4. Walking the 0.6 miles to and from the beer airstream on Foster. Or the 0.8 miles to and from my favorite breakfast sandwich. Really just walking anywhere to consume anything. See also: thinking about walking somewhere, but then the weather looks like it could turn at any minute, so I stand on my porch deliberating for a few minutes, and end up driving even though its only a few blocks.
5. Showering. I understand showering doesn’t require much actual exertion, but it requires an exercise-level amount of ambition.
6. Standing on one foot.
7. Driving with a manual transmission. Using both feet to operate a vehicle is pretty much identical to those stupid toe press machines at the gym, except I’m not paying a monthly membership fee, and I can use my “toe press machine” to get drive through tacos. Also my right arm moves a lot, which has to count for something.
8. Thinking about exercising. See also: saying things like “I should probably go for a run”. See also: dreaming about moving my body in any capacity, including flying.
9. Vigorous stirring.
10. Picking up/putting down anything that weighs more than 2 pounds for any amount of time. This may or may not include moving my wet laundry from the washer to the dryer.
11. Watching sports.
12. Being really cold. Conversely, being really hot. I assume both shivering and sweating require a comparable amount of calories.
13. Just, whatever. Everything. You guys, life is hard and it all requires so much effort. We're just ambulatory meat sacks animated by a constant input/output of energy, and thinking about existing too long is exhausting. Can that count as exercise? Contemplating the mundane details of living as a human being in a body. Yes.