Wikipedia (kinda): Homo prosōdia, colloquially known as Bendi

The following is a detailed description of Homo prosōdia, colloquially known as Bendi, the Brender, little b, or (confusingly), a “Proper Lady”. Description Homo prosōdia is a bipedal mammal with characteristically small ears and no tail. Weight varies, though they are notably twice as heavy in the winter. Their compact frame and comically short legs create a low center of gravity beneficial to contact sports, touching their toes, and picking heavy things up off the ground. Their small forepaws are typically clumsy, and they use them to gesticulate wildly when engaged in conversation. This has earned them the affectionate moniker, “Ol’ Iron Paws”. They are less than skillful at activities requiring fine motor skills.

A domesticated Bendi teeters
on the edge of reverting to its
feral state.

Large-mouthed with a toothy grin, most Bendi’s could “bite halfway through a pumpkin without touching gum”. It is unclear what benefits this adaptation serves. They are nearsighted with no sense of smell, and have difficulty triangulating the origin of sounds. As such, the majority of their lives are spent stumbling about, with little to no awareness of their surroundings.

The Californian Brender is easily identified by the criss-crossed tanning pattern across the tops of its broad, paddle-like feet.

Ecology and Behavior

Originally discovered in the lush Bitterroot Valley of Montana, Homo prosōdia seems to be exhibiting a southwestern migration pattern. Though it is well-suited to a variety of climates, it seems to favor a semi-arid Mediterranean climate. Most recent sightings have placed the majestic Proper Lady in San Diego, California, where it has been glimpsed galumphing across beaches.

A feral Brender attempting to situate itself within
a new social group.

If Homo prosōdia were to take one of those stupid Facebook quizzes that tell you whether you’re an Introvert or an Extrovert, the result would be Both. While the Brender often considers itself a social creature, it in fact displays many of the behaviors associated with social anxiety. They tend to be wary of strangers, preferring to observe social situations from the periphery.

In the wild, they form strong, lifelong bonds with a select few. This primary social circle provides a comfortable, supportive environment for the Brender to express their affectionate and gregarious nature. Social behaviors include sharing food/drink, serenading with random snippets of song, and spontaneous dance parties. Bendis who have been displaced from their primary social circle quickly form strong bonds with a new group of peers, subjecting this chosen pack to persistent presence and affection until they’ve fully integrated.

In general they avoid energy-wasting aggressive behavior.

Foraging and Activities

Bendis are predominantly active at night and spend most of their waking hours feeding. They are strictly omnivorous. When left to their own devices, these little garbage guts subsist primarily on potato chips, hot sauce, and any variety of Mexican cuisine (though they have a particular fondness for burritos the size of a human infant). They also have an insatiable craving for Asian Bistro once the clock strikes 2AM. The average Brender can consume up to 5% of its body weight when set in front of a sushi conveyor belt. You should trick your domesticated Brender into eating a variety of greens by treacherously sneaking them into seemingly innocent meatloaves, lasagnas, and other one-dish meals.

Horrifically allergic to gin, they probably die if they even think about drinking it. Probably. They’ve overcome this by developing a fondness for red wine and tequila.

An over-socialized Bendi stares out
drunkenly from its recovery pod

They are masterful foragers, capable of scaling kitchen cabinets up to three times their height in search of snacks. Unless you’re willing to keep them under lock and key, treats should be kept secret or out of the house completely. They prefer salty and greasy snacks, but have been known to eat boxes of cookies, entire cakes, and pints of ice cream in times of desperation. With their voracious appetites, activity is very important to the well-being of any domesticated Brender!

As previously mentioned, the Bendi considers itself a social creature. As such, you should plan group activities for your Bendi 2-4 nights per week. Preferred activities include team sports, sweaty dance parties, and general “running amok”. Be sure to carefully monitor your Brender for social-fatigue, as they will ignore the symptoms to the point of total emotional meltdown. Should this occur, swaddle them in one large Costco blanket (woven from the very fabric of heaven itself), and prop them up in front of a blank wall until they fully recover.

Health and Domestication

Homo prosōdia tend towards general good health, though they are prone to occasional bouts of existential crisis. During these periods of emotional malaise they may drape themselves over various structures while sighing dramatically and pondering the eventual demise of everything and everybody they know/love. The effects of these episodes may last mere minutes, or persist for up to a week. If your Homo prosōdia is still droopy after several weeks, consider getting them a Netflix subscription, some tacos, and/or a therapist.

In addition to the occasional “Dark Night of the Soul”, they’re prone to seasonal allergies and hyperbole. They’re also sensitive to lactose and lunar shifts.

If you’re considering adding one to your family, remember they require plenty of open spaces and activity! Under-exercised, they’ve been known to play with lit matches, eat all of the M&Ms out of any open containers of trail mix, and chew off their own left foot for entertainment. We all know the old saying: a physically exhausted Homo prosōdia is a physically exhausted Homo prosōdia.

While they certainly can be kept as pets, successful domestication hinges on the amount of time and effort you are willing to invest. Without proper care they make fickle companions. In absence of daily handling, they quickly revert to a feral form. They have been seen wandering the late-night streets with alarming and increasing frequency, especially in southern California cities.

When approaching a feral Homo prosōdia, remember to speak in low, soothing tones. If they become excited, they may launch unprompted into the intricate social bonding display known as “Ass Wars”. During Ass Wars, the subject will challenge you with repeated gluteal contact, attempting to drive you backward over some arbitrary and invisible line. This is an attempt to win both your friendship, and the respect of any onlookers. Should you find yourself accidentally embroiled in a game of Ass Wars, these simple creatures can be distracted with music and/or snacks.

This picture is only here because I love it

When properly fed and exercised, this critter can make a charming, albeit aggressively affectionate, companion!

Mythology

Many believe that leaving a full glass of red wine next to your bed while you sleep will attract these mythological creatures. Several witnesses claim to have woken to an empty wine glass and the lingering scent of Old Spice Pure Sport. The verifiability of the Chacos prints were questionable in all cases.

November is Bendi awareness month! The best way to support the continued mental and physical well-being of these animals is to support the causes they believe in. Please consider donating, sharing, or promoting the following groups affiliated with the Brender Well-Being Conservation Association:

1) Donate to the Sacred Stone Legal Defense Fund (Stand with Standing Rock)

2) Donate to Hurricane Matthew Midwifery Relief