Hello you bunch of creeps! How are you all doing? I’m
currently in my bed wondering why I’m up past my bedtime, which happens to be 9
o’clock. That Cat is unimpressed with my typing and is attempting to amputate
my fingers. Should she be successful, my grammar will probably suffer a critical
blow, because typing with two fingers just seems so hard.
Somehow March is almost over. This either means 1) I’ve been
enlightened by Tralfamadorian pioneers and now exist in a limbo where linear
time has no meaning or 2) I was kidnapped by gypsy wives and forced to bedazzle
children’s clothes in the darkest corner of a trailer park in South Carolina
where I blocked out the last month of my life. Because trauma. Ok, that second
one is Sunday night television on TLC. But my real life experiences lately have
been comparable!
 |
| Sometimes the shitshow hits a little close to home... |
You guys, how am I supposed to know what being a real adult
looks like? One day it looks like paying taxes and the next it looks like a
friend seeing how much of your fist fits in her mouth. At a 24-hour diner on 82nd.
At 11am on a Sunday.
Things I’ve seen this past month that I can never unsee:
·
Nearly an entire season of The Biggest Loser.
Not to mention True Life: I’m A Sex Addict, entirely too much Sons of Anarchy,
two seasons of Battlestar Galactica and one episode of Gypsy Wives. Television
has apparently been a big thing for me this month!
·
A very angry drag queen aggressively humping my
friend’s arm to a Nicki Minaj song. I hear it had been quite some time since
said drag queen shaved her legs.
·
Two very large, heavily bearded men dressed as
rabbits walking down the street holding hands. Turns out it was Bunny #1’s
birthday, so Bunny #2 bought them matching outfits. So obviously we harassed
them until they took a picture with us.
·
A pseudo-stranger standing topless in L and M’s
hallway, waving around a $2 bottle of wine. She was very reassuring while I
crouched naked behind a clear shower curtain. I was crouching naked behind a
clear shower curtain because the only towel had cut and run. Sometimes strange
things happen on other peoples’ birthdays.
·
Throat glands so swollen they looked like a pair
of golf balls. You guys, there’s nothing quite as exhilarating as sharing a
couch with two adult human beings that appear to share an unidentified but
debilitating illness. Talk about living on the edge. Don’t worry, they just
have mono. Things I’ve learned about mononucleosis: it spreads through saliva exchange
(thus the kissing disease), it’s symptomatic in people ages 15-30, and it lives
in your body forever like herpes. Oh, also it can be transmitted even when the
host is asymptomatic. Neat, right?
·
This tattoo:
Really I suppose those are things I wouldn’t unsee even if I
could. Except maybe the stranger tits. I didn’t necessarily need those. I don’t
even know you guys. That about sums up the past 30 days. Just out here in Portland,
living the dream right? Thank you to everyone that has checked in to make sure I'm still kicking out here.
I love you all more than you know.
-b
P.S. On a more productive note, I’m still compiling a
chapbook and I’ve asked infamous and incredibly talented Missoula artist SarahDubs to do the cover art. Now my words just need
to do her artwork justice!
