I Put the Past Into the Ground...

I saw the future as a cloud.

If there's still time to turn around,

I'm going to. 

It's just one day I fell asleep.

Now all day, all night, I dream.

I am the first one I deceive.

If I can make myself believe

the rest

is easy. 

Going back to the town I called Home feels like wearing a pair of too-tight sunglasses. Eventually the pressure behind my ears gets overwhelming. And I’m sick of wearing those same dark lenses. They never let me see the sky. Home rekindles old addictions. Makes me drink too much, think too much. Reminds me that I’m still broken along the same old fault lines. Reminds me the bones were only starting to set. The stitches still seep. I’m still trying to heal.

Silver cars still forcibly stop my heart. The truth is I wish you would have hit me.

Melodrama and angst aside, I had a really successful trip. I managed to see nearly everybody I intended to see. I was reminded of my reasons for leaving, and my reasons for crying while I left. That said, I don’t think I’ll be going back any time soon. I’m just not ready yet. Those four days in Missoula left me completely drained, and I’m still trying to pull myself out of the emotional abyss that opened up and swallowed me whole.

I am the horse I’m kicking. I am the lie I’m thinking. I am the drink I’m drinking. And I am the love I’m making.

I feel like these last few months have been a sort of prolonged suicide. I’ve been determined to break myself, because it seems somehow better than allowing myself to be broken.

You have given me fuel and I’m gonna burn this bridge we built. I don’t need it anymore.

Anyhow, it’s good to be home.

Driving into the sunset

Some things about my trip definitely deserve to be acknowledged! Friday night I went to a heavy metal show at the Dark Horse. Generally death rock isn’t my style (AT ALL). You guys might’ve not noticed, but I quote a hell of a lot of Bright Eyes lyrics, solidly settling me into “alternative emo geek” territory. This show was the trial-run for a good friend of mine auditioning to be the lead singer in a band. Leif, you absolutely brutalized that show! The energy level in that crowd blew the fuck up when you started singing. You are incredibly talented, and I can’t wait for the next show. You guys, even if it’s not your style you ought to be able to appreciate this man’s talent. Keep an eye out for Walking Corpse Syndrome.

[Note: the morning after this show I threw up weird, neongreenbloodymucus puke. I'ma blame that bad bad rock 'n roll.]

Saturday morning I drove out to Corvallis to watch my step-dad’s high school rugby teams play in a tournament. Congrats to both the boys’ and girls’ teams for sweeping wins! You guys are clearly benefitting from 18+ years of hooker experience. I got to see my little siblings for the first time in a month, and I swear you guys, my brothers have each grown at least 5 inches. They look like real little men now. Also, I don’t know if any of you have seen a junior high rugby game, but it is hilarious. 12-year old boys hitting each other at high speeds will never cease to amuse and amaze me. 

Saturday night was E’s birthday, and the reason I embarked on this knee-jerk road trip in the first place. We stayed in; she drank something reminiscent of an orange creamsicle (whipped cream vodka and orange Fanta. Ick.) and I let my sickly little bod recover from the thrashing it took Friday night. All in all, successful. I’m all for a good party, but honestly just laying low and watching movies felt so incredibly refreshing… so necessary. Thank you, E for sharing that with me. I’m getting tired in my old age. 

And last but not least, Sunday. Ohmygodyouguys. Sunday I took my mom to see The Hunger Games. I hope you all have overwhelming thoughts and feelings about this movie, and I hope you share them with me. Like now. Does anyone else wish Jennifer Lawrence would always have dark hair and a bow in her hands? Just in case none of you know what I’m talking about:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/incoming

Also, did you guys know my stepmom's name was Jennifer Lawrence? Although she is beautiful, this is not a picture of her.

So here we are. Next post I'll be talking about: Stone Soup, workplace drama and Chopsticks. Oh yeah, and probably all that angsty broken-hearted poetry bullshit I can't seem to get enough of. Thank you guys for bearing with me. Have I told you lately how wonderful you are? Because you're wonderful. 

I love you.

-b

[P.S. does this post seem like an 11-year old's journal entry to anyone else?]