One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Hey kittens.

The sun has finally come out, pouring heat into the tiniest faultlines of the sidewalk. I still feel like February on the inside. I’m still waiting for spring. I keep sitting here, keep hoping I’ll be able to close my eyes, experience warmth and the breeze on my bare skin; feel the ground under my feet and just Breathe. You told me you don’t believe in someday, but I have to. Because today feels like navigating a battle field.

I’m the only one fighting me. With each misstep I’m searching with both hands for the lost pieces of myself. I keep opening up the scar tissue, digging for bits of shrapnel that never existed. Sometimes I worry that we never existed. We both know these injuries are self-inflicted, but that doesn’t make them hurt any less.

Hangman, we played double-dutch with a hand grenade.

I keep walking up and down the same streets looking for a new perspective. I’m nostalgically looking for yesterday in tomorrow, like searching a stranger’s face for some familiar feature. Searching a strange town for some suggestion of home-- I’m looking for comfort in the everyday, like the songs our mothers sang to put us to sleep:

Inch worm, inch worm

measuring the marigolds.

Seems to me they’d stop and see

how beautiful they are.

http://www.flickriver.com/photos/tags/sheldwich/interesting/

I want to sleep. I want to wake up feeling like I haven’t missed a thing; wake up and feel like the day was created just for me. I don’t really know how to explain, but I’m guessing most of you will understand this anyways. Overwhelmingly restless exhaustion. My brain feels like a radio streaming every station at the same time. My body aches—too tight skin and creaking joints. But every time I lie in my bed I'm overwhelmed by this ridiculous guilt. Because this is the only time I’ll be 23 and single and so far from home. Because my life feels like something constantly moving, something I can never quite catch up to. Like trying to jump onto a moving merry-go-round while avoiding roundhouse kicks to the face.  

http://okaylistenhere.blogspot.com/2011/09/recess.html

I remember my mother pushing me on the playground merry-go-round. She had that thing going at least a million miles an hour. Standing still while moving so fast, a wobbly axis in my own right, I had to keep my eyes open to maintain balance. Everything seems so quiet in the center of the spin. I had to trust the circular force of my own movement to keep me from falling.

I guess I can defer to playground wisdom now. When you're moving the fastest, everything will seem still at the center. I'll just trust my own momentum to keep me from falling. 

I hope you are all having a lovely week. I started a long weekend on the wrong foot. I know the importance of honesty, but fuck. Sometimes it's hard to swallow. I promise things will turn around. We're going to be alright. Thank you guys for putting up with me. Did you all know it's a Friday night? I'm hitting up an alternative dance party with Friend. There's a $5 cover, but free tarot readings, so I think it shakes out pretty even. I'll let you know how it goes.

Until then, all my love.

-b