Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.

Hello tenderhearts! I promise I intended to post this last night, but then Teen Jeopardy happened. And wine. Also I attempted to assemble an oscillating fan for all of the lesbian points. I’m still convinced there were pieces missing from that box. Seriously, what are you supposed to do when there’s no extension rod? As some of you know, this is my second unsuccessful attempt to get back on a Thursday/Sunday writing schedule. I hate it. There are so many things I forgot to share with you! For example, the other day Uncle Sam and Lady Liberty walking hand-in-hand down Powell Boulevard, because why wouldn’t that be a thing? This is Portland fucking Oregon.

I know I’ve been slacking on rehashing the mundane details of my life, but I promise I’ve still been creating words! I’m currently cobbling together my first book of poems to enter the Phantom Limb chapbook competition. The deadline is February 25^th so I’m in crunch mode. If you’re interested in reading some poems, let me know. I can totes hook you up. Goal: to have my original written works fully assembled in a real book with a table of contents and original cover art and numbered pages by July 1^st.

Lately That Cat thinks she’s a latchkey kid. Also because of the rainy weather her fur has been matting really horrifically. Solution? I tossed her in the cat purse and took her down to the Boulevard for a shave. Now I own a very small alpaca instead of a cat. Hopefully she feels better, because god knows my day drastically improves every time I blatantly laugh at her.

This is not Murphy, but there's a striking resemblance

Here is the story of my life: I didn’t have many friends for a long time and now suddenly I have several. So obvs I’ve been doing All the Things to make up for lost time. I've come to the realization (again) that this is not a sustainable lifestyle. Adulthood is a strange thing because one morning you can eat cake for breakfast but the next morning you have to do your damn taxes because government. One day you can watch Pitch Perfect four times in a row, consume 84 meatballs and drink 5-9 bottles of wine. But the next day you wake up in a panic at 7am because maybe the landlord is coming over, and the dog needs to be walked and hello hangover. My real adult life means drinking the good tequila J stole from her parents, saying “cheers to new friendships” then playing games geared towards elementary school children until 2am. Drunk cognizance is essentially the same as being 8 years old.

Also, in an attempt to grow at least one muscle I’ve started doing crossfit. Actually, I’ve started working out with Beastfit Nation because:

  

All they ask in exchange for a kickass workout is that you click through some ads on their website and perform one act of kindness per workout. The pay it forward movement is still alive and well! Thus far my good deeds have been “offer to babysit for free” and “pay for somebody’s parking meter”. Is that illegal? For some reason, my brain says that’s illegal. But it’s still a pretty great thing to do because nothing sucks more than parking tickets. Except maybe being shot in the kneecap.

I don’t really know exactly what I wanted to say with this blog except that I’m still alive. I have new friends and I think they’re fond of me. Maybe they’ll even keep me for a while. Tonight I’ll probably go sing karaoke with them because Pat Benatar is my spirit animal. Or I won’t, and that will be fine too. Somewhere over the last year I learned how to be alone. In fact, I got pretty damn good at it. Now I need to learn when to stay in and when to go out. Or just when to go home after going out, because sometimes you fuck that up. I guess in the end it’s another learning experience. And the lesson we learned? Don’t get to the bar too early, start drinking tequila, get cut off, and sing Don’t Stop Believin’ at karaoke. Seriously, don’t. Those high notes are a real bitch.

Happy Friday, you bunch of creeps! All my love.

-b