The Day the Earth Stood Still

This morning started out like any other Friday, careening bleary-eyed through the predawn morning. I settled in for another long day of daydreaming about sandwiches and discovering drunk selfies some friends left on my unattended cell phone.

And then through some fortuitous series of events I discovered that this is a real animal that exists on the planet earth:

Ohmygod you guys, please take a moment to admire this bird. Seriously, look at it. Are you kidding me? It’s fucking majestic.

Cassowaries are shy denizens of the rainforest, and also seriously badass. These things can run 30 MPH, jump almost 5 feet vertically, and they’re fantastic swimmers. Please take a moment to imagine this bird swimming. You can watch one almost swim in this video.

Fact: I’m approximately the size of an adult cassowary.

Also, that awesome headdress situation they have going on? It’s called a casque. Cassowaries developed those to protect their brains “when they are running full tilt… and occasionally careening into small trees.” Seriously, cassowary? Instead of just slowing the fuck down you’re going to evolve a battering ram to more effectively mow your way through the rainforest? Fair enough.

Casques might also have practical purposes, like improving acoustic reception and keeping them cool, but those are boring and nobody cares.

They’ve been voted the world’s “Most Dangerous Bird”, and I actually discovered them through this Wikipedia page. Also this: 

“Phillip McClean, 16, from Queensland, Australia, became the only person documented to have been killed by a cassowary. After encountering the bird on their family property near Mossman in April, McClean and his brother decided to kill it with clubs. When McClean struck the bird it knocked him down, then kicked him in the neck, opening a long cut in his carotid artery. He collapsed a short while later and died from the hemorrhage.

Moral of the story, don’t attempt to bludgeon a cassowary with a blunt object. Unless that blunt object is a moving vehicle. From what I’ve gathered, these little fellas have real issues with roadways. 

I would like to see Chuck Norris punch a cassowary in the face. 

Do you remember Ferngully? There was definitely a cassowary in Ferngully. Multiple cassowaries? All my life I just assumed they were a figment of some animation artist’s acid dream. I have the distinct impression they were strange and terrifying. Now that I know they exist, there’s no going back. For Christmas I would like someone to gift me a very small cassowary. I would keep it in my pocket and feed it gummy bears.

Anyways. I’m glad I got that off my chest. I love you, creeps. Don’t forget: if cassowaries can exist, you too can probably stumble across the embodiment of your strangest, most secret dreams somewhere on the internet.

Xoxo

-b