Let's talk about sex, baby.

Sometimes you find yourself sitting in a dark theater with your friends and several hundred strangers watching amateur porn. This is your adult life. Don’t ask questions.

What I mean to say is HUMP! passed through Portland last weekend. In case you aren’t familiar, HUMP! is an annual film festival aired in Portland and Seattle. The festival, which first kicked off in 2005, features submissions by amateur porn actors, directors, and producers. They’re allowed up to five minutes to showcase their talents and audience members vote for their favorites. With a $5,000 cash prize on the line, these movies aren’t fucking around. I mean, technically they are.

I heard about HUMP! several weeks ago through the co-dependent Facebook group chat my friends and I have maintained since January. Listen, sometimes winter is long and you’re all sad vegans and constant communication is the only logical coping mechanism. The group chat also enables lightning speed communication should you need to discuss recent political rulings, socially-relevant Buzzfeed articles, or the existence of this raft:

  

The group chat also helped us develop Pusheen emoji-utilization skillz and coordinate outings, ala HUMP! Having survived a handful of group porn nights in college, I felt pretty confident in My Ability To Handle this event. Nothing could possibly be as daunting as pizza night with Grannies, Fatties, Pregnant Bitches (And a Midget to Boot) running on a loop in the background. Just in case, I pre-gamed with my pal Jose to fortify my courage. When the lights dimmed I was loose around the edges and ready for anything. Well, almost anything.

The three rules of HUMP! per Dan Savage:
               1) No cell phones

               2) Don’t be an asshole (they belong on screen, not in the audience).

               3) Have fun! Because sex!

This particular viewing was the “Best Of” tour, meaning we privileged few witnessed the most popular films from years prior. The featured films included Pie Sluts, Fun with Fire, and D&D Orgy. But the breakaway hit was a little doozy called Mythical Proportions. Imagine pornographic claymation centaurs and improv fetishist interviews. Solid gold. HUMP! also destroyed my childhood memories of E.T. with the animated sequel, Dark Territory. Turns out E.T. and Elliot grew up to be more than friends.

I don’t really know where to go from here. What I do know is I laughed, blushed, and winced through 90 minutes of incredible material. I’ve entered post-HUMP! life with the knowledge that bodies are strange and people are stranger. Sex is a funny thing that can be done about a billion different ways; you’re only limited by your own creativity. Unless you’re a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Then you’re limited by your arm span. Womp womp.

Above all remember: safety first! And don’t ingest motor oil! It might seem like a sexy lubricant, but probably it’s dangerous.

Sex on, kittens.

-b    

A Brief & Incomplete List: #3

Things I’ll Never be When I Grow Up:

A dog owner, probably.

I’ve always considered myself an animal lover. I grew up with a veritable menagerie of critters. My childhood was populated with cats, dogs, horses, chickens, ferrets, rats, fish, and one temperamental cockatiel (who we found scattered across the front lawn after she  “got out of her cage” following a particularly hostile encounter with my father).

I volunteered at the Humane Society. I watched hours of Animal Planet, convinced I would grow up to be an emergency vet. I frequently imagined living on a vast tract of land with my 30+ rescue dogs. We would take long walks, and spend evenings sprawled across various pieces of furniture, basking in the rosy glow of companionship and unconditional love.

As an adult, I have been responsible for the physical and emotional well-being of exactly two dogs. Kenzii, a 45 pound ball of neurosis and skin allergies lives in Colorado with my ex-girlfriend. I follow her on facebook and send tennis balls for Christmas. Deejo now lives with a nice family on a farm [Note: this is not code for euthanasia, he really does live just outside of Hamilton, Montana!].

Deejo came into my life at a strange junction. I had recently graduated college, lived in my first dog-friendly house, and worked at a doggy daycare. I’d managed to keep That Cat alive for over a year, and felt like dog ownership was the next step in my development as an Adult Human. I knew Deejo through the daycare, and when I heard he needed a new home it felt like the stars were aligning. It was fate! Adopting him was the only logical thing to do.

I realized my mistake almost immediately.

First of all, Deejo and That Cat couldn’t be left alone together. Nor could Deejo really be left alone at all. Every time I left the room his hellish wailing would follow me. He’d mastered a particularly heart-wrenching, high pitched death knell. Something akin to a baby seal that has just been bludgeoned. Our second problem: Deejo loved me. Unconditionally. Endlessly and obsessively. This proved to be our undoing.

I hit my breaking point five months in. Waking up before my alarm one morning I could feel Deejo’s adoring gaze boring into me over the edge of the bed. He’d been watching me sleep. He wanted to be the only thing I saw when I opened my eyes. Staring at the ceiling, my first cognizant thought of the day was I would rather kill myself than deal with you right now. Second thought: Jesus Christ, what is wrong with me? I can’t do this anymore. 

It took a lot to swallow my pride and admit I wasn’t cut out for dog ownership. But re-homing Deejo was one of the more responsible choices I’ve made in my adult life. Someday I may have the emotional capacity to unconditionally love and be loved by another living thing. Until then That Cat and I will continue peripherally respecting each other.

A sea otter, a lemur, or any other carefree, non-human critter.

This notion sneaks up on me with surprising frequency.

Throughout middle school my sister and I spent summers visiting my grandmother in Gilroy, California. Annual traditions included the classic car show, rollercoasters at the Santa Cruz boardwalk, and a day at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I was infatuated by the sea otters. Otters spend the majority of their day sleeping, grooming themselves, and eating. They hold hands while they sleep to keep themselves anchored. If I were an otter I’d have to eat 35-40 pounds of food per day to maintain my body weight. As a bottomless pit, this fact is the most convincing argument for otter-dom anybody could ever present me.

I unearthed my previously hidden desire to be a lemur fairly recently. While scrolling through Tumblr I stumbled across a photoset of these big-eyed, arboreal freaks bounding through the treetops, chowing down on fresh fruit, and sleepily sunbathing the day away. I was distraught enough to text a friend. I’m not sure how I would go about comforting an adult friend after receiving this text on a Tuesday afternoon: “I’ll never be a lemur :(“ Should the opportunity present itself, I hope I handle it with even a fraction of her poise and compassion.

I’ll never leap majestically from tree to tree in the rainforests of Madagascar. I’ll never float languidly in a sheltered ocean harbor, eating shellfish freshly harvested from the ocean floor. I just won’t.

These realizations are predictable, and perfectly devastating.

Source: http://wildlife.ucsc.edu/

A former child star.

I am frequently baffled by the concept that I am a full-grown, adult human being. I work as an administrative professional. I own a car, and pay its registration and insurance. I’ve kept a plant alive for over five years. I have friends with spouses, children, and retirement plans. This probably signifies some sort of accomplishment; the business of keeping myself alive. 25 years and still going strong!  

It also means I’ve successfully managed to dodge certain bullets. For example, I’ll never be a former child star. I’ll never be on a “WhereAre They Now?” top 40 list. Nobody will mindlessly flip through my Before/After pictures wondering what went wrong. They won’t shake their heads and mourn my lost innocence. If I end up in rehab, it will be the regular kind. My recovery won’t be exploited for public consumption.

I’ll also never be a prepubescent millionaire ala Macaulay Culkin… I guess you win some, you lose some.

 I love you, weirdos. 

-b

Come take a trip in my airship and we'll visit the man on the moon.

I breathe and no words come out because they have forgotten what it feels like to human. Coming home at the end of each day, puddling into purple sheets where strangers’ lives unfold strangely. Or not strangers, exactly. Somehow more familiar; so trope. You don’t connect with people because you are creating them she says. She says You use them to propel your story and the words resonate somewhere hidden in the synopsis.

Leaving Seattle for the second time takes too long like I wasn’t meant to leave. The city circles in on itself. Like a labrynth, like the inner ridges of an ear or seashell. I drive successively smaller circles until the hills take my breath away. I migrate closer to the vibration of the center. The interstate plays hideaway games. It stays lost forever if I forget to keep seeking.

There will always be bridges and bridges and water. Lights stretched across liquid like mirrored cities. We could skinny dip if it weren’t for the cold. The blue t-shirt shares my bed when she can’t. For three days I hold it to my face to create her scent. Imagine warm water drenched in pink petals, or the way light tastes at sunset. The cards say Stay the cards say Go. When I go gravity evanesces and shimmers like grease over a hot skillet. In a gas station bathroom neither here nor there my hands look too alive gripping the sink. Outside there is too much sky so I hide and pray for clouds.

When she goes gravity fractures and lodges in my chest. I can’t swallow around the splinters so I stop trying. I am growing new skin beneath the burn. I am giving this time to heal for once without rushing. My fingertips are their own pulse. I can feel your heartbeat she says. She says Vou pensar em você com freqüência. Não. Eu vou pensar em você sempre. The night before. Her bottom lip pulls out and down every time she swallows something important. She means to speak but can’t yet. But ice cream and candles and the people behind us more in love with their own voices than each other. The man in the corner is writing himself. We are all characters. And the wage of sin is death he says. He says Hey do you know what time is it? and we don’t.

There will always be bridges and bridges and water when the city zigs and zags across itself. Seattle all circles, Portland all lines. And yesterday. Rain falling on wind chimes while earthquakes echo through these bones; chemicals leech from the marrow. The body trembles so strangely. I migrate closer to the center of the vibration, sluice sour sweat from sick skin. I show her picture to strangers in bars. I tuck tightly rolled love notes between black bricks, in a café on the other side of water and water and bridges.

These are the adjectives I give her: exquisite, timeless, beautiful. Pulse like a slow river swollen with spring. Everything feels so trite on my tongue. I breathe with no words and remember how to human.

Angels on your body.

-b 

I See a Bad Moon Rising

In 2010 a friend gifted me the book Sextrology by Starky and Cox. This book lived next to my bed for two years. Every time a new human entered my life, their astrological sign was quickly assessed, the book was consulted, and the course of our relationship predicted accordingly.

Intellectually, I recognize this is probably not a foolproof method. But has it served me well on occasion? Oh yeah, ya betcha. I know humans are complicated, multi-faceted creatures shaped by their environments, experiences, and so on. But astrology is so goddamn fun!

So, for your reading pleasure I’ve put you all into behavioral boxes based on my limited exposure to each of the twelve signs. Enjoy.

Aries

Pros: Independent, Generous, Optimistic

Cons: Self-involved, Impulsive, Moody

These lil’ fellas are the babies of the zodiac. As such, they can be a little impulsive. Of the twelve signs, Aries is the second most prolific tequila-drinker. They enjoy physical activities such as rugby, yoga, and drunkenly wrestling at parties. 85% of Aries will sleep with you, but they will not cuddle afterwards. They’re chronically flaky, but we don’t judge them for that. Aries may invite you to their house, feed you dinner, then leave you on their couch watching movies while they go to a party you weren’t invite to. It’s fine. You’ll probably get over it someday.

Famous Aries Quote: When asked why she never married Gloria Steinem replied, "I don't mate well in captivity."

Taurus

Pros: Dependable, Persistent, Loyal

Cons: Stubborn

Most Taurus hail from New Jersey. Because of this they pronounce certain words strangely. For example, “far-estry” where you study trees, or the color “are-ange”. They’re not proud of this, it just happens. Taurus people enjoy ridiculously large dogs, long distance running, and alternative lifestyle haircuts. They’re easily over-caffeinated, and shouldn’t be allowed to drink Sparks. The Taurus’s natural habitat is a garage, where they enjoy doing physical labor type things. Pissing off a Taurus is about as fun as hugging an enraged moose.

Famous Taurus Quote: "Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever apologize for anything." - Harry S. Truman

Gemini

Pros: Energetic, Imaginative, Witty

Cons: Restless, Indecisive

The self-proclaimed lone wolf, Gemini is determinedly independent. They won’t hesitate to abandon you in Canada should you become too inebriated to stand. They possess superior dance skills, and have been known to Charleston with the best of them. Gemini folk can talk circles around mere mortals. They pride themselves on snappy one-liners, quoting entire movies, and knowing Ludacris’ rap portion in Justin Bieber’s hit song Baby. They typically subsist on an all-cheese diet.

Famous Gemini Quote: "Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth." - John F. Kennedy

Cancer

Pros: Caring, Responsive, Dependable

Cons: Clingy, Oversensitive

When you are sad, a Cancer will give you their bear lighter if you promise not to lose it. Then when it becomes lost they will blame you for years. Once it surfaces again, they’ll feel chagrined, but only mildly so. They’ll buy you your own bear lighter as an apology. Cancer folk have a lot of feelings and spend the majority of their energy masking this fact. As such, they are hilarious conversational partners and pun masters of the universe. When called upon to perform, most Cancers can drink a PBR in less than 3.5 seconds. Hobbies include being topless, watching lesbian television, and operating heavy machinery.

Famous Cancer Quote: "I love people. I love my family, my children . . . but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up." - Pearl S. Buck

Leo

Pros: Confident, Ambitious, Encouraging

Cons: Stubborn, Vain

Gregarious Leo deftly makes their conversational partner feel like the center of the universe. Only less dense. They enjoy physical activity and demonstrative feats of strength. Leos born without a majestic mane of curls are culled like deformed Spartans. These noble critters pride themselves on moderation and self-control, but when they decide to cut loose shit gets real. Walk your Leo 2-5 times per day for optimal performance.

Famous Leo Quote: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - George Bernard Shaw

Virgo

Pros: Observant, Reliable, Precise
Cons: Skeptical, Inflexible, Fussy

The Virgo is a mythical creature akin to the unicorn. They feature prominently in Germanic folklore, where they excel at woodsman sports. If you capture a wild Virgo, it will grant you three wishes in exchange for your firstborn child. Virgo women are capable of licking their own elbows.

Famous Virgo Quote: "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." - Johann von Goeth

Libra

Pros: Diplomatic, Idealistic, Hospitable

Cons: Indecisive, Unreliable

Never predict a Libra’s next move; they will go out of their way to prove you wrong. Hobbies include last-minute RSVPing, and honing their already exceptional card skills. Fiercely competitive, Libra knows how to make you feel like you’ve lost a game. Even if you won. Libras possess freakish upper-body strength, but won’t use it until provoked. Behind the mask of cool reserve, Librans are inherently nurturing. They will feed you and let you sleep in their bed when you are too drunk to get home.

Famous Libra Quote:  “Do you really have to be the ice queen intellectual or the slut whore? Isn’t there some way to be both?” - Susan Sarandon

Scorpio

Pros: Loyal, Passionate, Resourceful
Cons: Jealous, Suspicious

Sagittarius

Pros: Enthusiastic, Spontaneous, Inspirational

Cons: Irresponsible, Restless

The word Sagittarius also serves as an antonym for moderation. If a Sagittarius wrote an autobiography, it would likely be titled “Sitting in my 8am Poetry Class the Morning after I Accidentally Smoked Crack at that one Party: A Sagittarius Manifesto”. They are the last people to leave social events, typically calling for one more round as they stumble out the door. Sagittarians fall madly in love with everyone they meet. They are enthusiastic, and frequently overcommit. All Labrador Retrievers are Sagittarians.

Famous Sagittarius Quote: "Why not seize the pleasure at once?"- Jane Austen

Capricorn

Pros: Ambitious, Tenacious, Constant

Cons: Dictatorial, Inhibited

Sweet baby angels! Capricorns win the zodiac. These list-making, itinerary-shaping folk are endearingly tenacious. Their skillset includes making travel arrangements, creating Facebook Event pages, and going to bed at a reasonable hour. They typically surround themselves with a few close friends, whom they protect like Ford tough mama bears. If you forget to wear your coat on a rainy day, Capricorn will loan you theirs. After stern chastisement. Capricorns like to offer unsolicited life advice. That’s ok, just let it happen. It’s usually good advice and you should really stop ignoring it.

Famous Capricorn Quote: "I saw the errors I had made and assumed full responsibility for everything." - Henry Mille

Aquarius

Pros: Outgoing, Independent, Eccentric

Cons: Aloof, Sarcastic

Aquarians love macaroni and cheese. They typically possess very shapely calves, and can seduce you with a flash of their perfectly proportioned ankles. Aquarians born after 1984 can quote entire seasons of Friends, and expect the same of their closest companions. Eccentric Aquarius enjoys New Age activities such as divination, energy healing, and opening their chakras.

Famous Aquarius Quote: "Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something.” - Thomas Alva Edison

Pisces

Pros: Compassionate, Devoted, Intuitive

Cons: Oversensitive, Impressionable

Pisces are skillful pastry chefs, and can infuse alcohol into any sort of cake. Their hugs are capable of triggering euphoric endorphin release. Pisces are tender humans, though they prefer to hide their emotions behind sarcasm and disillusionment. Hurting a Pisces’ feelings is like drop-kicking a kitten. It’ll haunt you for the rest of your life. Their thoughtful acts of friendship are generally performed anonymously. Pisces won’t judge you for being the biggest shitshow in the room. Or they will, but lovingly.

Famous Pisces Quote: "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” - Albert Einstein

I adore you, beasties.

-b