Blame it on my ADD, Baby

This morning I woke up to the kitten grooming my left eyebrow. At 6:24am. On my day off. Additionally there was a text on my phone from a good friend’s number saying some stranger was in possession of her phone and purse. I guess that’s what happens when 3 people win a $50 bar tab at Press Box trivia. You go, Oedipus & the Motherfuckers, you intellectual bastards! I have nothing but love in my heart for you.

I’m sitting here, eating eggs and drinking coffee. I know for a fact that interesting things have happened to me this week. Things that are worth talking about, worth cracking open and analyzing and attempting to piece back together again. I just really, really, really can’t seem to summon the attention span to do so. I’m listening to a playlist about Bears. It’s raining outside and I need to donate plasma soon so I can continue to unreliably pay my bills.

I know my hesitance to write stems from the fact that I actually have something worthwhile to write about. I’m not ready. Like being attacked by a grizzly bear, I’m hopeful that if I play dead long enough, this situation will bat me around for a while, lose interest and amble off in search of more interesting fare. And blackberries. And whatever else bear problems are in search of. Love, probably, or at least honey.

This morning I told you I’m not some apathetic sociopath running around destroying things without a second thought. You said actions speak louder than words. Maybe you’re right.

Why can’t I seem to say anything when it actually needs to be said?

I always think of what I was trying to say about 15 minutes after finalizing these things anyways. Perhaps this is an indication I should slow down and actually consider the weight of my words before sharing them with the whole world? Perhaps. Or I’ll just keep vomiting my half-baked opinions into cyberspace.

http://www.poptower.com/dance-moms-picture-81102.htm

Update: It’s a little later in the day, and I’m feeling marginally more motivated. I even talked to a stranger today. I’ma say that earns me 10 points in the social skills department. Granted I’m sitting alone in my dark bedroom, recounting my moderate accomplishment to the 5 people that still read my blog. But that’s beside the point! To celebrate, let’s go over some of the conversations I’ve had this week. These are paraphrased, but they get the point across:

#1: Regarding the content of this blog/my head.

Conversational Partner: I think you’re a little cray cray.

Me: You think I’m what?

CP: You know, cray cray. Like crazy.

Me: Oh, right. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

#2: Regarding my emotional landscape.  

CP: How are you feeling today, anyways?

Me: I don’t know…kind of sad. Sweaty. Maybe a little hungry. I think I’m depressed.

CP: You’re not depressed. Those are just symptoms of being a human.

#3: Buying a bottle of wine at an undisclosed grocery store from a middle-aged man named “Jonnie”. I handed him my ID…

Jonnie: Oh yeah, I’d better at least pretend to check that. The alcohol police are on the prowl this week… usually I’d turn a blind eye. I just want kids to be havin’ fun on their Friday nights, you know what I’m sayin’ girl?

And then he winked at me. Jonnie, you’re the reason people like me grow up to be people like me.

Courtesy of: http://nightclubsecurity.wordpress.com/tag/alcohol/

#4: Regarding my thought process.

Me: Sometimes I think I’m legitimately bi-polar.

CP: Have you been tested for syphilis recently? That could account for your erratic behavior...

#5: Regarding my mental dreamscape.

Me: Yeah, all of my dreams have been really dark lately. Really bloody and disturbing.

CP: Have you ever considered talking to someone? You know, like a professional?

Me: Pretty much every day. Why?

http://www.sodahead.com/entertainment/would-you-buy-a-robotic-dog/

#6: Regarding the ins and outs of adulthood.

CP: One of my sister’s friends asked me what life after college is like.

Me: Oh yeah, what’d you say?

CP: I said I drink twice as much, except now it’s usually alone in my basement while wearing sweatpants.

#7: Regarding my binge drinking and subsequent poverty.

CP: I wish you would go to an A.A. meeting… or like, just flip through the Big Book of Alcoholism, just to humor me. If you go to one that a church is hosting, they might even have free cookies. [Note: this is also a commentary on the lengths I would go to for free food…]

#8: On making things happen.

Me: I decided I’m taking a vow of celibacy until I achieve some goals.

CP: What sort of goals?

Me: No more binge drinking, maybe start meditating or yoga… you know, general self-love and acceptance type stuff.

CP: So what you’re saying is you’ll have sex again when you’re about 65.

#9: Sitting at work, I innocently peeked over at my co-workers computer screen to see a plethora of pasty, middle-aged, criminal type people.

Me: What are you looking at over there?

Coworker: Oh, I’m just looking up my neighbor.

Me: Umm...On pdxmugshots.com? 

Coworker: Yeah, we watched her get arrested again last night. I just wanted to know what for this time.

I wish I had a tenth interesting conversation to post here, because as much as I love the number nine, it feels somehow incomplete. Oh well, I guess that's what you guys get for now. 

As always, I love you more than I can say.

-b