Confessions from my Aching Knees

…Or how exercise nearly ruined my life.

Ok, let’s get real. This is actually about how I nearly ruined my life through exercise. I've lived with myself for 24 years, 6 months and 17 days. During this time I've come to terms with three major personality traits:

1) I’m extremely competitive

2) I have no real concept of/patience for time

3) I easily and obsessively become addicted to things

Because these addictions are so easily acquired they tend to have a pretty short shelf-life, which is a good thing. But they also tend to be all-consuming, which is a bad thing. For example, over the past two weeks I watched four entire seasons of Arrested Development. In high school I listened to one Bright Eyes’ album for an entire semester, religiously memorizing not only the lyrics but every subtle nuance of how they were sung. May the gods of parenthood bless my poor mother for the year I discovered Final Fantasy VIII on Playstation (or worse, Harvest Moon).

The process is as follows:

Step 1: Discover really cool new thing

Maybe a friend mentions they just discovered a new band, or the protagonist of the book I’m reading is a cello player. Or a stranger randomly comments that I've really got a way with animals, and have I ever considered training dogs? Show ponies? Circus cats? That first glimmer of potential is the first step down a slippery slope. Suddenly I’m convinced I’m a 24-year old child prodigy. I imagine myself as a rockstar/poet/rugby player with a trained guitar-playing hedgehog.  

Keep in mind these really cool new things are never practical. Additionally, I never consider the improbability of becoming a culinary master or productive entrepreneur overnight.

Step 2: Obsessively research really cool new thing

This step is bark but no bite. I purchase equipment, extensively research, and obsessively daydream. I consider this the honeymoon phase of my addiction. Or maybe the long-distance-dating-but-planning-to-live-together-next-summer phase.

Step 3: DO REALLY COOL NEW THING!

Ok, THIS is the honeymoon phase. When I first start listening to that new band/training my friends’ dogs/competing in that obscure sporting event everything feels great! I've got this fiery motivation to do, and do, and do. I’m capable of tackling every obstacle with debilitating optimism. 

Of course there are setbacks! 
Of course there’s a learning curve!
I can’t be good at everything on the first try, right? 

Any natural talent I possess only serves to prolong the obsession, because obviously yes. Yes, this is the reason I was put on this planet.

At this point the Thing takes over my life. Hygiene falls by the wayside. I go weeks without human interaction outside of the Thing. All progress is dissected, weighed and compared, because competition is a real thing for me. When I’m not doing it I’m talking about it. Initially my friends will mock my dedication. Eventually they’ll consider staging an intervention. Don’t worry, this is where my concept of time comes into play.   

Step 4: If at first you don’t succeed….

Depending on the activity’s difficulty level, I start to get discouraged within 2-6 weeks. I start to question the universe and my place in it. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a professional soccer player after all. I mean, it’s been five days and I still can’t bicycle kick a goal from the half line. This is when my dedication falters because if you can’t do anything well why do it at all? I’m sure that’s how the saying goes.

Step 5: … Drop it like it’s hot.

Cold turkey, bitches. Like it never happened.

That rather lengthy and intimate description pertains to this post, I promise. See, way back in February I attended my very first Beastfit Nation group training session. And just like that: addicted. During the research phase I’d decided to try 2-3 sessions per week, with yoga and distance running as my primary forms of exercise. After my first session, I knew that wasn't going to happen. I went back the next day, and the next, and the next. My fitness improved. I reached training goals. I established friendly rivalries with my training group.

In March they introduced evening classes, and I added a few of those to my weekly routine. By April I was training 8-10 hours per week, but I still wasn't seeing the results I wanted. I started jogging on my lunch breaks. I was afraid to miss a session because I might disappoint my training buddies, or worse: not be able to keep up with them. I was eating and showering sporadically. I wasn't writing blogs or doing laundry at all, because I never felt like I had enough time. When I wasn't working out I was sleeping. I’d crawl into bed exhausted at 8:30 and sleep until my alarm went off at 6am for the morning workout. My social interactions dwindled. Then the injuries started. My back ached after 5 minutes of sitting. My knees were constantly swelling. My calves got so tight that my feet fell asleep every time I ran.

Listen.

Beastfit is an incredible experience. The strength, motivation, and body confidence I learned from Nick and Sergio are invaluable. The Pay it Forward Project has created a platform for human beings to benefit other human beings while bettering their own lives. I’m proud to be associated with the movement, and I’m still participating periodically.

But I let myself get carried away, and I’m paying for it with extreme burnout and a heavy-handed dash of depression. Turns out doing one thing you love, while excluding everything else that you love, is an unhealthy lifestyle. Sometimes I need to stay up writing past 9pm, or drink a glass of wine with dinner, or take time to tweeze my damn eyebrows. These are the things that help keep me sane. I guess I’m trying to say I’ve started eating regularly again. I’ve been writing, showering and spending time with friends. I’ve been to three or four Beastfit training sessions since the beginning of May, and while I’ll probably increase my attendance I’ll do so cautiously. I intend to listen to my body/friends/family when they tell me I’m going too hard.

So hello! Hi! I missed you guys while I was gone, but I have a well-fed, well-rested functioning brain again. The moral of the story: all things in moderation. Or you know, your legs might fall off.  

All my love, day dreamers. I’ll talk to you soon.

-b

P.S. If you are ever in the Portland area, I really do encourage you to check out the Beastfit program. I mean, it doesn't get much better than free right? They cost of each workout: three acts of kindness. You can follow the #beastfitnation #payitforwardproject on Tumblr and instagram.