It's Like a Jungle, Sometimes it Makes Me Wonder

[Note: my coworkers are lovely human beings, and the following content should in no way suggest otherwise. They are some of the kindest, most generous people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. The following observations are purely anthropological and do not reflect negatively on the character of the lovably strange people I work with.]

My job is frequently a strange and confusing place where there are no rules governing social interaction.

There are two types of people drawn to the vet industry: people who love animals and people who dislike and/or are terrified of other people. Also people who are addicted to narcotics. But we’ll save that for another day. Much like these dogs who forgot how to dog, veterinary workers (myself included) often forget how to social.

For your reading pleasure, I've comprised a detailed account of Veterinary Social Etiquette.

A) Tenets governing the universe.

                                                                                                                                

1. If something occurs more than once, assume it has always and will always happen. Casually comment every time you notice recurring themes.

Based on my coworkers’ worldview I am currently the poor-college-student-super-carnivore-vegan-with-an-omnipresent-cough-and/or-asthma. I’m also the resident expert on twerking. Real talk: I’ve drastically changed my lifestyle just to see how quickly my work caricature adapts.

Example: some of you may recall I was horrifically ill last winter. As a result, I’ve earned a reputation for being perpetually sickly. Unfortunately this means every time I forget my esophagus wasn’t made for swallowing saliva and choke on my own spit, my coworkers ask if I’ve seen a doctor for “that cough” yet. Fortunately, I can attribute a whole plethora of things to my perceived perma-illness, including hangovers. Not that I’ve ever had a hangover at work. That would be irresponsible.

2. Everything should be logical and justifiable. The words “maybe” and “probably” support any theory.

Fact: humans behave erratically. Sometimes irresponsibly. Chaos reigns, things don’t always make sense. 90% of the time when somebody is late for their appointment, they simply have poor time management skills. But what’s the fun in that? Veterinary workers can deftly create hypothetical situations and drop clients into them the way I used to drop Zoo Tycoon guests into the raptor pen.

Me: Our 2:30 appointment is late. We should call them.

Coworker: Oh well, maybe that client owns a whippet. They probably got stuck in traffic.

Or: Oh well, school started yesterday. This client is probably a single mother and had to pick the kids up. Maybe one of them got in trouble today for starting a small fire in the lunch room and the talk with the principal took longer than expected.

Occasionally I’m tempted to offer my own alternative scenarios. For example:

Oh well, the sun rose at 6:23 this morning, so judging by the length of the Continental Divide… they probably spilled their coffee. Or maybe had to hand feed a baby leopard shark? That could put anybody behind schedule.

Sometimes I think they’re dicking with me, testing how far they can push the boundaries of reason before I call their bluff. Sometimes.

B) Techniques and Etiquette for Conversing

1. Signs your coworker wants you to start a conversation with them…

·         They make accidental eye contact

·         They do not make accidental eye contact.

·         They are quietly reading a book.

·         They are working intently (note: this is particularly true if their work looks difficult)

·         They are talking to a client on the telephone.

·         They exist in a room and appear to be conscious.

**Loosely interpret “conscious” to mean “breathing”.

2. Strategies for initiating conversation…

·         Hover near them until they are unable to avoid glancing your direction.

·         If they don’t respond to the hovering, bounce on the balls of your feet.

·         Hum tunelessly. Peer into the middle-distance. They’ll probably/definitely inquire what’s on your mind. (Alternative: sigh deeply and/or chuckle under your breath whilst shaking your head)

·         As a last resort, lean forward and splay your hands on their desk. This will minimize their work space and force them to acknowledge your presence.

3. Notes on conversing…

i. Have a script: saying the same thing at the same time on the same days of the week will be reassuring to your conversational partner. Consistency is key.

Monday morning: ask how your coworker’s weekend was. Every other morning? Inquire about their general state of being. When it is somebody’s designated lunchtime, ask if they are going to lunch. Be sure to ask if their lunch is something yummy. They’re scheduled to be done for the day? Ask if they’re heading out.

ii. Should that fail, comment on other obvious occurrences or states of being.

Staples should include:

·         The weather

·         Recently deceased patients

·         Any variation in your coworkers’ schedules. For inspiration, draw on “hypothetical situations” as outlined in section A2.

**Note: casual gossip occasionally passes as a hypothetical situation.

iii. Conversations should begin mid-sentence, especially when you haven’t talked to someone in over 24 hours.

Just like telling a story, start in the middle of the action! The actual beginning or end of your conversation should subsequently and unpredictably twine into the narrative, Tarantino style. For example:

[…long period of silence]

Oh, I know! I can’t wait for the wet season so I can move my shrubs.  

Or maybe:

[…the second your conversational partner decides to be productive instead of trolling Buzzfeed]

Yeah I agree, so that’s when I decided to call pest control.

iv. All conversations are opportunities to share uncomfortable details about yourself.

The key here is to trick your conversational partner so they don’t see the antidepressants or indigestion coming. Start with something casual; be blasé. People love to be surprised by really intimate knowledge of your personal life. 

Coworker: Oh god, I’m so tired today.

Me: Oh yeah? Rough night?

Coworker: No, my doctor just doubled my antidepressant dose. I’ll be a zombie for at least a week.

[Please note that this conversation, verbatim, has occurred between me and at least three coworkers on separate and unrelated occasions.]

So there you have it! The social interaction gamut I’ve run five days a week for the past 18 months. Considering 14 out of our 16 person staff are introverts, we do pretty damn well forging interpersonal bonds. Side note, our clients are just as strange, if not stranger, than we are. Questions I will never be equipped to answer:

1. How can you tell the difference between a sneeze and a stroke?

2. Will it hurt a kitten to drink human breast milk?

3. I’m not sure what end this came out of… How do I know if that’s a hairball or poo?

All my love, you bunch of weirdos.

-b