Understanding bus culture (AKA how to avoid getting shanked during your daily commute...)

­­Hello kittens.

My thoughts exactly, Confused Goat

Sometimes, when you go from biking zero miles per week to biking nearly 90 miles per week, 1) your legs threaten to fall off or 2) your bike begins to crumble beneath you. My swollen knees, frayed brake cables, and the inevitability of autumnal monsoons have me riding the bus for the time being.

As some of you know, I first experienced the ups and downs of public transportation last winter when Biscuit’s flirtation with trouble first became problematic. This time around I felt much more prepared. You guys. I don’t know if I forgot (AKA blacked out) how strange the bus can be, or if things have just gone to shit since my last commuting stint. Regardless, I feel like Constantine stepping into the strange and nonsensical recesses of hell every morning and afternoon during peak commuter hours. 

To keep myself entertained/thwart commuter depression I spent this week documenting Bus Culture. The following conversations are 100% factual, especially the ones I made up.    

Lessons from Bus Culture

1) Economics:

Woman #1: Don’t even get me started on Nikki. I don’t know how that bitch thinks she’s broke all the time. I don’t even have a cell phone because I can’t afford it. Her mama pays all her bills and gives her a damn allowance!

Woman #2: Mhm, and I know for a fact her mama owns like 25 McDonald’s, but she never even tried to get a job there.

Woman #1: [Audible sucking on front teeth, followed by loud lip-smacking] Damn. That girl could be a CEO in like a year! 2 weeks, boom, training. 2 months, boom, manager. Bitch.

Woman #2: Bitch.

2) Communications & Settling Disputes:

Man #1: Nah homie, you don’t need a knife. You can make plastic just as sharp as any switchblade. You gotta melt it down, then coat it in baby oil (that’s key. Keeps it from sticking). Press it between some books and you’re good to go. It won’t stab well, but you can cut a motha’fucka’ deep.

Man #2: So did he go C.O.?

[note: I am assuming C.O. stands for correctional officer, but that’s just speculation]

Man #1: Hell no! He knows who owns that bunk. And I made that bitch buy me a new radio clock since he bled all over mine.

3) Health & Hygiene:

Woman #1: Man, I hate when parents wipe their kids’ snotty-ass faces and try to hand me the soggy tissue, I’m like oh hell no, no you don’t!

Woman #2: Right? It’s like, ‘Oh no your kid can keep their damn Ebola!’.

4) Recent Legislation:

Teenage Boy #1: What you do, when you want to carry more than an ounce, what you do is… no seriously, listen man. Split it up into a bunch of different one ounce baggies. Then when the cops are like, up in your face be like ‘Nah, these are all different strains. I’ve got an ounce for anxiety, an ounce for back pain, an ounce for anxiety…’ You know? I have a buddy that does that.

Teenage Boy #2: Or we could just go to Washington where that shit’s legal.

Bus Driver: Language!

Teenagers (in unison): Sorry ma’am…

Most teenage boys remind me of Thug Pug

5) Foreign Languages:

Teenage Boy: Is that place really called Teco’s Tacos? Isn’t ‘teco’ just Mexican for taco? Seriously, what kind of name is Taco’s Tacos? They weren’t even trying…

[note: speculated aloud to the seemingly homeless man dozing in the seat next to him]

6) Politics (Time/Space Continuums?)

Stephen: I don’t even care who he is, I’ll sue him! I’ll sue the whole world straight to Mars! It’s like the Twilight Zone. If this were the Twilight Zone, you’d be President. Are you the President? It’s almost over at least. I can’t wait until we get there. I’m tired of all these surveillance cameras and people following me. Do you ever have people look at you like you’re a complete weirdo?

Stephen’s Ladyfriend: Where is it?

Stephen: Close.

This is a gratuitous llama picture

All my love, you bunch of weirdos.

-b