So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, good night!

Hello friends! Sorry I have been so neglectful this month. I’ve been running crazy getting ready for A-Camp. I use the term “running crazy” pretty loosely… and also “getting ready”. You know when you have so many things to do you feel overwhelmed and just don’t do any of them? That’s where I’ve been. So replace “getting ready for” with “mulling over” and you’ve got my week in a nutshell. But! The plane tickets are purchased, shuttles arranged, post-camp hotel book and sundry supplies are glaring at me in the corner of my room. Anticipating Lucy’s arrival tomorrow morning I even managed to scrub floors, wash laundry and clean at least two surfaces.

This week our camp coordinators e-mailed the A-Camp schedule so we could begin plotting our activities. You guys, there is so much. I’m definitely planning on the slam poetry workshop. Out of 70+ activities that’s what I’ve got so far. I’ve got plans to sit down with Lucy over coffee and make some hard decisions. Like friendship bracelets or the spooning workshop? Morning hike or chapstick making? Sometimes you have to make decisions that will deeply impact the rest of your life. What if I go to the social dance and never learn how to make a postcard? I don’t want to live a life with no homemade postcards.

This is what camp will look like.  http://fuckyeahautostraddle.tumblr.com

Ok. Let’s face it, I’ve got camp anxiety. I haven’t exactly been a social butterfly lately. I’ve spent the last two months either at work, the gym or in my bed. The thought of more than 300 people I’ve never met all in one place scares me. Even if those 300 people are also nervous about the introvert meet-up, or worried their friendship bracelets won’t turn out.

Above and beyond the sheer number of lesbians in one place, I suffer from something I refer to as “Food Court Anxiety”. When faced with a decision involving too many options I freeze. How should I know whether I want sushi rolls or the verde burrito? I haven’t tried either! Cue my last food court experience: Seattle Pride circa 2008. We decided the food court in the mall would be cheap, quick and everybody could find something they’d like. After 20 minutes of increasingly desperate laps around the food court, I retreated to a dark, quiet Starbucks on the floor below the food court. I ended up drinking a mocha for lunch while my friends ate. Seriously, there are pictures and my eyes are still all swollen and weird from the mental meltdown I had in the bathroom.

A 6-inch turkey with a side of pad thai please.

So this is a big step for me. I know everything will be alright. We’re grown-ups now, and nobody can force me to do anything. Or not do anything. My biggest problem in life has always been worrying there is something better going on without me. Food court anxiety isn’t just about food; obviously anything I eat will fill my stomach. It’s about the quality of my experiences and the nagging idea that I’m missing out on something better. I’m the toddler who fights and fights to stay awake. I’m terrified by the thought that life continues even when I’m not there to experience it. Even though the reality of existence can be so damn tedious.

So! My goals for this week: make decisions and live with them. I’m committing to fully existing in each decision I make rather than wondering whether it was the right decision. Also, I’m going to maybe meet some people. People living in this city. People I could theoretically contact once we all go back to our real lives.

Lucy is hurtling my direction now, tomorrow is fast approaching and my adventure is set to begin any minute now. So, I am saying goodnight to you weirdos! You won’t be hearing from me until after the 17^th when I get back home. My god that’s a long ways away. Know that I love you all, and I’ll have many a story to tell once I’m back!

-b