If It Makes You Happy, Then Why the Hell Are You So Sad?

This morning I woke up.

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off. I opened my eyes, told myself Today you’re going to be happy, ok? Then I started crying. I don’t know what causes days like this. Maybe the way light pours through my open window or waking up in this empty bed, strange planetary alignment or faulty serotonin levels in my brain. Whatever the cause, days like this are a bitch.

I cried twice in the bathroom at work. While crying at work is never really a positive thing, it’s particularly risky on the Boulevard. See, they have a long history of hiring really reliable characters. Like the guy who used to do drugs in the bathroom on his breaks. Returning to the front desk with red eyes and the sniffles could very well get me random drug tested. True story: when I went in for my pre-employment drug screening, the technician monitoring my testing spent approximately forever telling me about the tricks he had taught his pet fish. I’m terrified of fish.

Anyhow, this post is neither a PSA about the dangers of owning violent tropical fish, nor another anthem to my debilitating depression. C asked me to write about ten things that “cause [me] joy”. I’ll admit my initial reaction was abject horror. Trying to find even one joy-inducing anything seemed impossible today. But I told her I would try. So here I am, trying.

Let’s start small, ok?

10. This GIF of tiny baby kittens riding an automated floor-waxer. 

I know it’s not much. But the other day this image made me forget about this ugly world for at least 5 minutes. I’m telling you, kittens make any day better. Even Sunday afternoons when you’re trying your damndest to forget something you won’t ever unknow. I laughed until my stomach cramped, and still couldn’t stop watching it on repeat, over and over and over. These strangely apathetic kittens totes kept me from imploding and have continued to be my go-to all week.

9. Playing with Newfoundland puppies (or any puppy really)

One of the definite benefits of my job is the occasional opportunity to play with puppies. The other day four Newfoundland puppies came in for screenings, and I spent my lunch break rolling around with them on the grubby office floor. What soulless human being could possibly resist those pudgy little bear cubs? Seriously, the promise of puppies keeps me going back day after day. I suppose the ability to pay my bills helps. Just a little bit.

http://www.dailypuppy.com

8. Sitting topless in my sunny backyard on my day off eating cantaloupe.

I realize this is very specific. But seriously guys, these are all necessary conditions for joy. Preferably I’m eating the cantaloupe with the biggest spoon in our silverware drawer. And the melon has to be chilled, fresh out of the refrigerator. Ideally the temperature hits around 75 degrees, and the sun is best early afternoon. It’s crucial that this only happens on my day off, because obvs the sun makes me sweaty and sleepy and I need to nap in the shade shortly after consuming said cantaloupe. This occurs approximately three times a year, and never fails me.

7. Sprinting/running really fast.

Here’s the thing about injury: I’ve felt trapped in my own body every day since November 12^th, 2011. Before I tore my ACL I was running 15 miles a week and felt fucking amazing. Post-op, when I realized I couldn’t even fully extend Lefty Lopez, I started dealing with claustrophobia. The first time I rode a bike again, or even went for a zombie-shuffle jog around the block, I felt like a newly-released inmate riding in a car again. The speed was exhilarating. I’ve always loved sprinting, I love to feel my two legs solid underneath me, love the tunnel vision and when the sound of my own breath and footsteps muffles everything else. I can lose myself in sprints.

Lucy says I can’t always outrun my problems. She’s absolutely right: they’ve caught up with me. My knee still can’t handle the impact of a full-blown sprint, but I dream about running. Sometimes I dream about falling, about my body betraying me again. But I eagerly anticipate the day I’ll finally cut loose without fear and sprint again. 

6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

‘Nough said, right? For the record: I own seasons 2 through 7 and I’ve watched them start to finish at least three times. Anya is my favorite character and “Once More with Feeling” is my favorite episode. If you haven’t seen it, you probably should. Right now. Or after you watch a few episodes so you know what’s going on.

I rediscovered Buffy a few winters ago when I was depressed and living in a dark, cramped basement apartment. I bought myself Season 2 as a Christmas present and once I started I couldn’t stop. Buffy will always be KJNS, or the summer we met Gay or long afternoons with Lucy. There’s always a relatable character, and Buffy’s tequila drinking face will always make me laugh. I’ve shaken off some dark days with a roundhouse kick to the chest.

5. Writing, this blog and sometimes other things too.

I joke about this blog being free therapy, but in all seriousness I’m not sure I could make it through a week without you guys. Thank you for allowing/supporting this expressive outlet. I couldn’t do it without you. Well, ok. I could but it would definitely be less satisfying. Have I told you guys C invited me to read poetry with her in September? In front of an audience with real people? Expect to see some of my work surfacing here as the reading gets closer. 

4. When my mom randomly calls or texts me just to say she loves me.

This actually happened today because my mom (and a handful of other moms, I’d wager) has a weird sixth sense about these things. Unfortunately I was at work NOT playing with puppies, so I missed her call. I miss my mom more than I admit to myself. When we were running together every week I felt more centered. We had an opportunity to talk, an opportunity for me to feel like part of the family again. I’m lonely out here, and I miss my family. Even when I didn’t see them I knew they were there, somewhere nearby. Now the telephone has to suffice. 

3. That Cat.

Sometimes just looking at That Cat makes my chest swell with all the feelings and causes me to emit a pathetic, high-pitched squealing sound. Other times I want to punch her in the head. Sometimes she throws up on the floor and it takes five days to muster the energy to clean it. But seriously, how many kittens will pet your arm to wake you up in the morning? Her name is Murphy’s Law because she was the crowning glory of the week everything went wrong. I love her, and can’t imagine my life without her. 

2. Waking up next to [redacted] on Sunday mornings.

Bliss. That is all. 

1. Oh man, the number one joy-inducing thing in my life...

I honestly don't know. Or I do, but there's no way to quite pin it down. It's something that sneaks up on me. I don't know that it's joy so much as contentment. Peace. Unpredictable and wholly lovely. That feeling of well-being that comes from wearing your favorite sweater, or a surprise hug from someone you love, or coming home to your favorite meal. It's ineffable; something simultaneously small and earth-shattering. Someday I'll have a word for it, but I'm not sure that word has been born yet...

So there you have it! The Top 10 Joy-Inducing activities for my life. What do you guys do when the big heavies bring you down? What is your number one happy-inducer? Do you also find it necessary to eat snacks with the largest spoon you can find? I feel like there's some biological reasoning behind that...

Now that is is nearly 1am I must tuck myself in for a few hours of sleep. You know, so I can start this whole thing over again tomorrow. I love you all, and hope you have big plans for the weekend!

-b

P.S.  I've got a hot date on Saturday... maybe I'll tell you all about it if it goes well.