I’m going to be blunt with you guys, this week has been
fucking horrid. I’m ready to fall into my bed and sleep for a day or maybe a
week. Everything seems to be crashing in on itself, my mind crashing in on
itself and I’m left with this worthless, deflated shell wrapped around a dream,
or the idea of a dream. Like reality is smoke curling around my outstretched
fingers, lingering an ephemeral second before leaving me empty-handed again. I
want to stand in the middle of the street and just scream and scream until my
throat feels as raw as my emotions.
But let’s face it, I live in a respectable neighborhood.
People can’t just scream in the streets around here. So I stuff my hands deep
into my empty pockets and walk. Just walk until the storm finally starts and
those fatty fucking raindrops start to wash away some of the frustration. I beg
the sky for a baptism, or at least a shower because I haven’t had time to take
one this week. When those raindrops start exploding like little shrapnel bombs
on the sidewalk and my bare arms, I could laugh until I cry. Or cry until I
laugh about the absurdity of it all. Laugh or cry until that clenched fist in
my throat starts to relax a little.
There’s so much to life. So many things to fear or love or
both. To hold sacred and experience. So many things to shake us up, beat us
down, overwhelm us, keep us sane or drive us crazy. There’s just so much. Trying
to take it all in can leave you torn wide open. But in the end it’s all a
matter of perception. We are all the human being story we keep telling
ourselves.
“My father’s mind
always worked that way. If you don’t like the things you remember, then all you
have to do is change the memories. Instead of remembering the bad things,
remember what happened immediately before. That’s what I learned from my father.
For me, I remember how good that first drink of that Diet Pepsi tasted instead
of how my mouth felt when I swallowed a wasp with the second drink.”
--Sherman Alexie
So. Instead of recklessly pouring all of this negative
energy into the blogosphere, I’ma subject you guys to a practice in perception.
Because there are two sides to every cloud, and coins sometimes have a silver
lining, right? Right.
1. My rent is painfully high. Because I live in a good
neighborhood. A neighborhood where crazy people don’t stand in the middle of
the street and scream for no apparent reason. I live in a neighborhood where I
can walk down the street and not worry about having my face eaten by a naked potential-zombie drug addict. All things considered, things could
be a whole lot worse. I have lilac bushes in my backyard.
2. I’ve been eating rice and beans for a month now. Which
means I haven’t been hungry. Sometimes I can afford to throw a handful of
spinach or half an onion into the mix. And there always seems to be enough
money for hot sauce, no matter how dire my situation. Worse comes to worst,
there’s a Taco Bell down the street and their fire sauce is one of my favorite
things in the whole world. So there’s that. Things I’m looking forward to rediscovering
once my finances settle out: avocados and Secret Aardvark sauce.
3. I have to donate plasma to pay my bills. I have a body
healthy enough to donate plasma. Seriously you guys, I could have a
debilitating illness or a communicable disease. I could have hepatitis or HIV,
and then I wouldn’t even have the option of donating plasma. I could be a
hemophiliac, or anemic. Since contracting the plague at Maggotfest, I haven’t
been able to donate plasma. Let me tell you, I’ve come to appreciate my health
and the benefits that come along with it.
4. I have accrued an incredible amount of medical debt.
Because I had access to quality medical care when I needed it most. I stand to
regain full use of my knee, and I’ve been educated on ways to maintain the
integrity of my joints. Not to mention the fact that being incapable of running
has made me that much more passionate about it. Things are hard right now, I
took a bad step and I’m paying for it. That sentence is so literal it hurts. But!
It’s been a learning experience.
5. I’m working a dead end job with an inept boss. But!
Recognizing this means I will not wake up in 25 years and wonder why I’m still
working the same dead end job for the same inept boss. There’s something to be
said for discomfort. It keeps us moving, keeps us seeking. I’m far from
complacent. I’m ready to start following my Dreams (whatever shape they take),
and in the meantime I’m capable of paying my bills. I’m not trapped, just
biding my time. Because I know that there is more out there, and that I deserve
it.
6. This week has felt like the longest, hardest week of my
life…. which means it’s over! And tonight I have plans, and friends to act them
out with. Also, I'm wearing 6 neon jelly bracelets, which I won at the nickel arcade playing skee ball with C. Also also, I played Big Buck Hunter on Wednesday night, and it was a blast (pun!) even though Friend slayed me. Things are going to be ok.
Alright guys, thanks for playing along. I feel a heap
better. I hope you do too. Now to embark on the endless adventure known figuratively as “Weekend”.
I love you all the days.
-b
P.S. Did you guys know things like this actually happen in real life? I cried all three times I watched it.
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