Down by the Water, Down by the Old Main Drag

Alone on a train, aimless in wonder, an outdated map crumbled in my pocket.

I didn’t care where I was going ‘cause they’re all different names for the same place…

I’ve been thinking a lot of big thoughts lately, and I don’t quite have the words for them yet. Attempting to clear my head I braved the weather (rain, sleet, snow and hail all in one hour) to gain new perspective. I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Seaside, Oregon watching the rain through the foggy window and trying to find something to tell you.

Today is my last day of unadulterated freedom. Tomorrow I start my new job and consequently my new future. I know I should be excited, revel in the security of a steady paycheck, but I’ve been enjoying unemployment. I’ve taken long walks with nowhere to go and no time to be there. I’ve spent entire days reading next to a mug of hot tea, listening to the rain and the wind in the trees. I know a job is a necessary evil, especially if your spending habits run as rampart as mine, but I wish I could have lived like a bohemian a little bit longer.

The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
and I knew no words to share with anyone.
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed 
and all the different names for the same thing.

My brain feels thick today; the words won’t fall into place the way they’re supposed to. Even in a new town I’m still me, and today that is less than exceptional.

I’ve been thinking about growing up, growing old. I wonder if someday I’ll look back at these words and laugh or cry for this innocent self. I was talking to my mom the other day. She said the funny thing about getting older is that you will always still be you. Your mind never perceptibly changes. There’s no earth-shattering Moment of Realization when the fact of adulthood suddenly becomes real to you. Suddenly becomes you. The secret is that there is no secret. It’s disheartening to think that in twenty years I will most likely be saddled with the same insecurities, the same fears and flaws and disappointments that shadow me now. How much do we really change over the course of a lifetime?

This week has been full of ups and downs, like I’m riding a roller coaster but forgot to pull down the safety bar. I’m fighting gravity with every plunge. But that’s not quite right either. I’m already falling and I don’t know when I’ll stop. I’ve been taking long walks. I’ve been walking until my feet hurt more than the traitor in my chest. You guys, this city is absolutely beautiful right now! I’ve seen tulips insisting it’s spring, their yellow bulbs hanging heavy with rain. I’ve seen children playing behind picket fences like pictures in a flip book, their cartwheels and somersaults alarmingly fractured. I’ve seen the clouds roll in slow and silent, blanketing us almost tenderly. I’ve stood on the street corner, traffic grumbling; wheels on pavement like the city’s heartbeat.  

I’ve been thinking about love, but those thoughts aren’t ready to be expressed yet. They still hurt too much. Lucy, I’m recording our history now on the bedroom wall.

Take it from me, I’ve been there a thousand times You hate your pulse because it thinks you’re still alive, and everything’s wrong. It just gets so hard sometimes. Be calm.

I’ve got to get back over the pass before the roads are washed out! I love you all, and I’m thinking about you.


-b